Unforseen Consequences
by Von Doomsatan Productions
Summary: Rukia makes waves in Soul Society after the birth of her child proves to cross more than just social taboo's. Who is the father? And why is his identity causing so much trouble?
1. A Little Bundle Of Joy

**Author's Notes: This is my first fic ever so please... be gentle. Just kidding.**

**Chapter 1 co-written by my good buddy Pickman's Secret.**

**I do not own Bleach... or many other things.**

* * *

10:33am May 25th

Urahara Shop

The Big Day...

"Okay, Kurosaki-kun!" chirped Urahara as the empty space within the Senkaimon filled in with the image of a long, nearly pitch black tunnel, the Dangai, "The gateway's opened, it shouldn't be long before your escorts are- HEY!" before the startled shop keeper could finish his sentence Ichigo shouted a thanks and jumped into the gateway and began sprinting towards the other end.

Towards Soul Society.

"Damn that kid… he's so impatient."

Ichigo ran as fast as he could towards the dim light at the other end, but he wasn't running so swiftly because of the rumbling of the monstrous cleaner behind him that threatened to devour him whole, it was the fact that an hour ago he'd received some amazing news, and he couldn't waste a second dawdling around.

As he ran he checked for the thousandth time that the batteries were fully charged and correctly installed in the digital camcorder he's borrowed from his father. He couldn't risk having flat batteries for the big day.

Today was going to be the day that Rukia gave birth.

* * *

The light ahead of him grew brighter and brighter, and as he drew closer he saw old fashioned paper doors slide open to let the sunlight pour into the dark tunnel, and through those doors he saw two Shinigami about to come in.

"OUT OF THE WAY!" He shouted, making the low level Shinigami halt in surprise and blink at him in bafflement.

"Kurosaki Ichigo? What are you doing? We were meant to come and escort you- OOF!"

"CAN'T STOP! I'M ON A MISSION!" Ichigo jumped through the doorway and literally trampled over the stunned death gods.

"K-Kurosaki-senpai! We're meant to guide you to the 4th Division! You're going the wrong way!"

Ichigo couldn't hear the shouts from behind him, all he cared about was getting to the hospital to see his friend.

He ran down street after street were he was followed by angry shouts from nearly trampled patrolling Shinigami.

"Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Maybe I should have waited for those two guys," Ichigo muttered as he ran round a tight corner, "I've no idea were I'm going!"

As he turned the corner his mind wandered and only at the last second did he see a red headed Shinigami standing directly in his path, but despite his best efforts he couldn't arrest his momentum in time to dodge the raised arm in front of him, and did a full-on back flip as he clotheslined himself on Renji's arm.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" said the Pineapple to the Strawberry as he rubbed his arm and stared down angrily at the stunned Shinigami substitute who was twitching in the dirt.

"Y-YOU ASSHOLE!" Ichigo suddenly jumped to his feet and uppercutted Renji in the jaw, sending him to the floor this time, "I'm trying to get to Rukia! What the Hell's the big idea with knocking me down like that!"

"Shut up dickweed! YOU ran into MY arm, you knocked yourself down!" Renji got back up and growled as he grabbed Ichigo's kimono and pulled him face to face.

"And what the hell do you think you're doing causing so much chaos! Do you realise that there's reports going around that we're being invaded again because of your entrance! As for seeing Rukia, you're heading the wrong way ya retard!"

Ichigo pushed himself clear of Renji and wiped his face clean of dust and the red head's spittle while he looked around.

"Well which way is the hospital then?"

Renji smirked as he realised the opportunity to show off his superior knowledge of Soul Society to his friend.

"Ha! As if you don't know, its…" He looked down the street one way, and then the other, "Er… its…"

"You don't know do you? You've been here for how long and you've still not learnt your way around?" Ichigo grinned as Renji floundered and looked around for landmark to work off.

"It's your fault! If you hadn't hit me I wouldn't have forgotten which direction I came from! Thanks to you we'll never find it in time!"

"Thanks to ME! You're the one who decided to attack me instead of just guiding me there!" before either of them could hit each other again and start an all out punch-up, a high pitched scream carried over the roof tops and stopped them both with their fists raised.

"RUKIA!" they shouted in tandem and set off sprinting in the direction of the scream.

* * *

A few screams and shunpos later Ichigo and Renji finally found the main hospital in 4th Division's are and bolted inside as fast as they could.

"Welcome to 4th Division, how can I- HEY! NO RUNNING IN THE HALLWAYS!" shouted the receptionist as they ran inside.

"CAN'T STOP! WE'RE ON A MISSION!" they replied together.

They tore around corners, barely avoiding recovering patients and squad nurses carrying sheets or medical supplies, and at one instance they managed to hurdle a patient on a trolley who had been left in the corridor giving him the fright of his life. But their speed didn't improve the situation much as they'd both gotten completely and hopelessly lost.

"Why is this place built like a maze!" Renji huffed as he and Ichigo stopped to catch their breath.

"Abarai-kun! Kurosaki-kun! What are you doing?" said a familiar and friendly voice from behind them.

"Ukitake-taicho!" they once again said in tandem, causing them to glare angrily at each other for copying the other, "We're looking for Rukia's room."

"Come with me, I've just found out off the nurse where it is, you can take it easy for now, she's only just entered labour so it's going to be a few more hours before-"

"Someone get Kotetsu-fukutaicho! The baby's coming early!" someone shouted from the other end of the corridor.

"Could they mean Ruk-" began Ichigo but he was cut off by another of their friend's screams.

"I think that answers your question!" Ichigo, Renji and Ukitake-taicho sprinted off once more down the corridor like mad men being chased by a herd of buffalo, and burst into the maternity wing.

* * *

"Hey! You can't run in here like that! There are expectant mothers in here-"

"CAN'T STOP! WE'RE ON A MISSION!" the three of them chorused.

"She's in room twelve! Up ahead!" Ukitake pointed at a door up ahead on their right and all three of them skidded to a halt and booted the doors open together.

"What the hell do you three think you're doing!" shouted Isane Kotetsu as she came up from under the blue sheet that was draped over the raised legs of Rukia.

"Oh thank god! We've not missed the big moment!" cheered Ukitake before suddenly collapsing flat on his face and coughing blood up all over the floor. "Go Ru...ki...a!" he managed weakly as an orderly came in and dragged him out while everyone else stood and stared in confusion… apart from Rukia who was lying down and screaming in pain.

"Rukia! I came as fast as I could, I'm glad to see you're doing ok!" said Ichigo as he stepped forward and switched on the camera with a warm smile.

"Doing ok! I'M GOING THROUGH HELL! WHAT TOOK YOU SILLY BASTARDS SO LONG!" Ichigo jumped back as if attacked and Renji flinched at the verbal assault.

"We-we got a bit lost…" Renji managed feebly as both brave warriors became as sheepish as children caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

"Maybe I should buy you two retards a compass!"

"Hey! Getting here from my house, which is in the living world if you remember, in just over an hour is no easy feat!" countered Ichigo, his earlier concern momentarily forgotten.

"Don't you dare yell at Rukia at a time like this, Strawberry!" Renji interjected while poking the substitute Shinigami in the chest with his finger.

_There was that damned nickname again,_ thought Ichigo then another voice could be heard in the inner recesses of his mind,

_**If he says it again I'll take his eyes!**_

"Umm... s-sirs, can you p-please keep your voices down", squeaked Hanataro nervously in the background.

"Kuchiki-san, please try and relax or it'll make this more difficult." Pleaded Isane who was having a hard enough time as it was, "And you two! Stop aggravating the patient!"

* * *

All those present in the room calmed down or at least tried expect for the patient, but that was understandable. However Murphy's Law predicts that at a time like this someone somewhere will say something stupid. Unfortunately for Ichigo, it was him.

"So Rukia... you sure you want this recorded because I really can't see the point beh..."

"Yes! I'm absolutely one hundred and ten percent sure I want this recorded", Rukia replied not wanting an argument. God knows she had enough problems as it is.

"Well if you're sure", to be honest he wasn't pleased that he would have stand there looking at Rukia's... well he just didn't want even think about 'that' area at all.

_**Why not King? This is the closest you'll ever get to one.**_

"Yes for the last time I'm sure! Now what I really need is someone to hold my hand please!" she said in an almost pleading tone.

_Yes! It's Abarai Renji's time to shine!_

"I'll do it Rukia", said the red-headed Shinigami, elbowing Ichigo out of the way to stand next to her bed. He turned and smiled back at Ichigo who was now nursing his ribs, and said, "You have to tape the illustrious moment."

"Illustrious? That Word-A-Day calendar is really proving it's worth."

"Shut up."

Renji stood there, holding Rukia's hand with smug look of satisfaction on his face like he'd won some great victory. What victory he won, Ichigo couldn't begin to fathom.

"Rukia", said Isane sticking her head out of the sheet to look at the patient, "I can see the baby's head now but I need you to give me a big push on three, ok?"

"Okay."

"Right here goes... 1...2...3."

"Aaaaaaaagghh!", the sound of crunching bone immediately followed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" Renji screamed as intense pain shot up his arm. With surprising strength in such a petite body Rukia had managed to crush the bones in his hand. The pain was unbearable and to make matters worse Rukia still held the ruined hand in a vice-like grip.

"Okay, now another big push."

_Oh fu..._

"Aaaaaaaaaagghh!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!" Renji's vision started blur and finally he blacked out hitting the floor with a dull thud.

"Hanataro can you please drag Abarai-fukutaicho outside into the waiting room, fix his hand and hurry back if it's not too much trouble", Isane said calmly without even looking up. Hanataro nodded and quickly grabbed the unconscious man's legs and with some difficulty dragged him into the waiting room.

Ichigo was having the time of his life with the camcorder recording Renji passing out and then being hauled outside, he called out between fits of laughter, "Don't worry buddy! I made sure I taped the 'illustrious moment'."

"A maternity ward is not the place for laughter, Kurosaki Ichigo…" the cold voice was painfully familiar to Ichigo, and a cold shiver ran down his spine as he pointed the camera up towards the doorway and the man who stood in it.

"B-Byakuya-san!" Ichigo stammered at the sight of the veritable Ice Man.

"Do you find my sister's suffering amusing, Kurosaki Ichigo? And you will address me as Kuchiki-taicho, I neither know you well enough nor like you enough to warrant such familiarity."

Ichigo said nothing in reply and returned to sheepishly pointing the camera at Rukia who hadn't noticed her brother's entrance.

As Byakuya approached the screaming Rukia, the surrounding crowd peeled away like the Red Sea before Moses, and when Isane looked up to see who had entered even she almost moved away, that was until she realised she was the one delivering the baby, and things couldn't exactly progress without her.

"Screaming like a little child isn't befitting of a member of the Kuchiki family, Rukia." Said the stone faced captain, making Rukia look up and stifle her screams as not to let down her brother. Those around them looked at Byakuya's back with venomous glares at how heartless he was being, and as if he felt their eyes upon him he turned around and glared right back at them, making them all take another step back and everyone nervously turned away inspecting the walls as if there was something interesting on them.

Byakuya turned back to his sister when he was sure no one was looking and leant down to place a kiss on her forehead, and with a barely audible whisper he said, "You're doing well, keep it up."

* * *

"That's it, Kuchiki-san, you're doing great! Just a couple more pushes and we're done." Isane said encouragingly from beneath the blue sheet, and in response Rukia silently pushed and strained.

"I think I'm gonna be sick…" mumbled Ichigo as he moved round behind Isane and zoomed the camera in to look at what Ichigo had never though a woman's body was capable of.

"There we go!" Cheered Isane as Rukia gasped for air and finally relaxed. A few moments later the air was filled with the first cries of a new born baby, and despite the awful sound, everyone greeted it with expressions of affection, and the ring of people began to close in as people waited to see the baby.

"It's a girl!" called Isane again as she wrapped the baby up and cut the cord with Hanataro's help. Rukia looked over at the lieutenant who was smiling down at her child, and Rukia gratefully awaited the moment were she could hold her baby in her arms.

But her relieved smile faded as Isane's already pale face turned almost porcelain.

"I-Is something wrong?" asked the new mother with more than a little concern in her voice.

"I-…er… W-who did you say the father was…?" asked Isane sheepishly as everyone tried to get closer but the other nurses held them back. Only Isane and Ichigo got a look of the child, and he was as pale as her.

"I-I didn't say? Is something wrong?" Rukia began to panic and she held tightly onto the hand of Byakuya, who despite himself had a slight expression of worry.

"I'm not sure…" Isane slowly stood up and walked round to Rukia's side and gently handed her the bundle of cloth that held her baby.

Rukia pulled the cloth away from her child's face and her eyes opened in astonishment.

"Is that… part of… a Hollow mask?!" she squeaked as she struggled to decide whether to be happy that she had a baby, or scared that her baby had a half mandible of pure white bone over the skin.

Byakuya leaned forward and got a look for himself and gasped in horror as he tried to come to terms with this new revelation.

A lot had happened in the last nine months. He had discovered his sister was pregnant by a man she couldn't remember, it was the first instance in the honourable Kuchiki family that a woman had become pregnant outside of wedlock, and didn't know the father. It was an incident he tried his hardest to keep quiet for the sake of his family's reputation, but one can only hide a lady's growing stomach for so long before questions are asked. Then he became concerned for Rukia's health. To see such a fine soldier laid low and become subject to involuntary vomiting seemed almost like a punishment to him, and he had been torn between love for his sister and the hatred he felt for her sullying his pride. And finally he had tried to be the dutiful brother, protecting her from those who was try to sully her honour with foul words and talk of promiscuity, but now in her arms she held a child which at first he had thought had been born deformed, with no skin on half its face, however upon close inspection it was clear that it was extra bone on top of the skin. A spongy white half of a lower jaw with tiny stub teeth.

Byakuya thought for a moment.

_How could such an anomaly occur?_ he thought, then he remembered his fight with Ichigo almost a year ago, and how the young intruder had acquired…a... hollow mask!

"You…" Byakuya said low and dangerously as he looked up at the camera toting youth, snapping the youngster from his bafflement.

"Huh?" Ichigo looked up slowly and as soon as he locked eyes with Byakuya he felt as though the gates of hell had opened before him and were ready to pierce his heart and drag him inside.

"Did you do this to my sister?!"


	2. Byakuya's Baby Blues

**Author Notes: I learned an important lesson over the last 2 months... never make promises on when you'll update because life throws a spanner into the works, you're late with the new chapter and everyone thinks you're a liar.**

**A special thanks to Pickman's Secret for giving me the kick up the arse I needed.**

**I hope you enjoy. Please read and review.**

**I do not own Bleach... a fact that everbody else is thankful for.**

* * *

11:49am May 25th

4th Division Headquarters

That'll Leave A Mark...

"Kuchiki Byakuya," began Unohana Retsu in an uncharacteristically annoyed tone, "This is a hospital, not a dojo. The aim is to treat the injured, not create more of them. I expected better from the head of the honourable Kuchiki family, and the Taicho of the 6th Division."

Byakuya, who faltered before no entity in exsistence, felt himself shrink before the powerful glare of the 4th Taicho and in a moment of weakness he looked away as he mumbled pathetically,

"He's the one who started it…"

"As I remember, Byakua, it was YOU who threw the first punch at the boy who's only crime was pointing a camera at your sister's vagina."

Byakuya winced at both the harsh tone, and the horrid image that flashed before his eyes at the mention of his sister's 'lady bits'.

"I can understand your anger, especially considering that the child is…" Unohana trailed off as she tried to think of a gentle way to put it, "of a special nature… but that still doesn't warrant you losing your temper and throwing wild accusations around."

"He seemed to be the most likely candidate for being the child's father."

"And that gives you the right to strangle him and slam his head repeatedly into the floor?" Byakuya regained some of his composure and gave that indignant look he had so much practice at displaying. Which was difficult considering he was holding a icepack to his brusied left eye.

"Anyone who dares to soil the pride and reputation of the Kuchiki-"

"Oh for the sake of Seireitei! You can stick your Kuchiki pride up your hairless flaccid arsehole! That is if you can fit it up beside your head!"

Byakuya's jaw dropped as he stared in absolute shock and amazement at the angry expression the usually placid doctor had suddenly shown.

"Wh-what-"

"Don't 'what' me, mister! I'm glad that Ichigo managed to lamp you one during your attempt to integrate his skull into the floor tiles! It's a pity he didn't knock some sense into you while he was at it!"

Byakuya was flabberghasted, no one had ever had the nerve to speak to him like this before and the experience was shocking, especially when it was Unohana delivering the verbal spanking of all people. He tried to speak but his mouth just flapped open and closed like a broken gate in the wind.

"I suppose it wouldn't have been too bad if you'd restricted your psychotic episode to just Kurosaki-kun, but the fact that you elbowed your own fukutaicho in the nose, which you BROKE by the way! Creating MORE work for me! But you also kicked two nurses, breaking a leg and three ribs, and I also have my fukutaicho and another nurse claiming sexual harassment because you grabbed their breasts when they restrained you! So what do you have to say for yourself!"

Unohana-taicho breathed heavily as sweat dripped down her forehead from the exertion of shouting at her fellow Taicho, who was sat stock still with a look of terror carved onto his features, which were even more devoid of colour than usual, if such a thing was at all possible.

When she looked up from the man in front of her she noticed her door was open and the people in the corridor outside were stood just as still in pure shock, so with one last outburst of unnatural anger she snapped:

"WHAT ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT!" and every one of them disappeared before she'd finished her sentence.

* * *

Meanwhile...

Due to the earlier fiasco, Unohana-taicho had thought it best to move Rukia to a private room, that way if any more outbursts happened (which they most likely would) atleast they wouldn't disturb anyone else.

This is now visiting hours.

"She's so cute!", Orihime said excitedly while cradling the newborn baby.

"She's a little angel," replied Rukia, happy that somebody was _finally_ compliementing her child. Everyone else seems to be keeping their distance afraid she might explode or something.

"And she looks just like you."

"Supposedly my sister and I are almost identical so it must be some kind of trait in our family."

"Except for the piece of mask..."

"Yes, well that's a given."

"... and the pointed teeth."

To be honest Rukia was more than a little worried about them. She hoped they were the last surprise feature her baby had to offer.

"How do you feed her if she's got these..."

"Very carefully," she answered praying this round of questioning would finish soon. Thankfully Ichigo and Renji walked into the room or more accurately staggered in like the walking wounded... which of course they were. The substitute shinigami's head now wrapped in bandages and his neck was red raw while the red haired fukutaicho's damaged hand was now in a sling and a band-aid across his re-straighted nose.

"Congratulations...", began Ichigo massaging his brusied throat.

"Thank you Ichigo."

"No, let me finish. Congratulations on having the most casualties at a birth ever."

"Wasn't that bad," she said trying to defend her brother's earlier irrational behaviour. And failing.

"_Wasn't that bad?_", he snapped, "The only way it could've be worse if you gave birth to a live grenade!"

"Keep your voice down Ichigo, you'll upset the baby."

"Actually she seems to be enjoying it," said Orihime as she put the infant back in the crib. She couldn't shake the feeling that the child reminded her of someone but who exactly was a complete mystery.

"Yeah but I don't think babies are supposed to grin." She turned to find that Renji was stood beside her getting a closer look at the newborn. Understandable in view of the fact that he was unconscious for most of the birth.

"So Rukia, have you thought of a name for her yet?", the buxom teen asked.

"Yes, I've given it a lot of thought and I want to name her after my sister, Hisana."

The silence after this statement stretched on for several seconds.

"I like it.", chirped Orihime.

"I don't think Byakuya is going to be pleased.", Ichigo muttered to himself as rubbed his sore neck once more.

"YEOUCH!" Everyone turned to look at the source of the startled cry. They found a surprised Renji pointing accusingly at the crib.

"S-she bite me!"

* * *

Elsewhere...

Byakuya was looking even more sorry for himself than before, and in addition to the icepack he held to his face he now held one to his groin. A painful reminder that Unohana Retsu was a force to be reckoned with when provoked. The 4th taicho had returned to her usually placid self and was sat opposite Byakuya waiting for his voice to return to a pitch that didn't make dogs bark.

"I... I apologize for any disruption I may have caused...", he said sheepishly.

Unohana smiled lightly and nodded, accepted that she'd have a easier time getting blood from a stone (which she can do by the way... don't ask...) than more of an apology from the noble.

"Apology accepted."

"So... do you have any idea on who father could be then?"

"I'm afraid not. Obviously it's a Hollow, that much is evident."

"Could it be one like... 'him'?", Byakuya's face soured as he thought of Ichigo again.

"I believe I can answer that question."

Both taichos lept in surprise at the sound of a third voice and looked towards the door to see who had entered, but the door was still shut and no one was there.

"Over here."

Unohana and Byakuya looked around to the wall beside the 4th Taicho's desk and a roughly human figure stuck out from the wood but was coloured just the same.

"Kurotsuchi-taicho!", the bruised Kuchiki leader queried, more than a little confused.

"Who else would it be?", the 12th Taicho exclaimed irritable as the camoflague disappeared from his body.

"Kurotsuchi, what are you doing in my wall and more importantly how long have you been there?"

"About a hour or so but that's not important right now," the scientist answered quickly, hoping to avoid the subject all together, "As I was saying it couldn't be one like the Kurosaki boy because the child's reiatsu texture is different from a Vizard-type specimen. The 'donor' was a full fledged Hollow, or more likely, an Arrancar."

"Aizen... that bastard had one of his lap dogs do this to her!"

"That I'm not sure of, but all I know is that which of his 'lap dogs' as you put it, did it is still a mystery."

"Why is that?", Byakuya enquired, his own irritability rising with the scientist's evasiveness.

_For the love of all that is holy, don't say there was more than one!_

"Because, Kuchiki-taicho," the white faced Shinigami answered with a roll of his eyes ...and not necessarily in the same direction, "Aizen wasn't kind enough to provide us with a database of his minon's reiatsu signatures."

Byakuya felt despair loom over him like a ...large...looming...thing. He wasn't in the mood even to think of a decent simile.

"But do not despair Kuchiki-taicho, I think I have something that might help you back at the Research Department."

Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

"Come in", Unohana beckoned. Hanataro stepped into the office ...more of a shuffle really. He paused as he saw the gathering of taichos, his confidence folding faster than Superman on laundry day.

"S-sorry for the int-interruption Unohana-taicho."

"It's okay Hanataro-kun," she smiled, "Now what is it you wanted?"

"I came to inform you that Abarai-fukutaicho appears to be temporarily paralysed."

"My goodness, what happened to him?!"

"A-apparently the infant bite him and after a few seconds he was unconscious."

There was a deafening silence as everyone attempted to digest this new information. Then Mayuri started to grin.

"Hehehehehe interesting! Must be some kind of self-defence mechanism. Very interesting! Nemu!", at this command the lamp in the corner removed it's shade revealing that it wasn't a lamp but in actuality said shinigami, "Don't daudle! We're not waiting for flares to come back into fashion, y'know! There's science to be done!"

"Kurotsuchi-taicho," he froze after hearing the eerily calm voice of Unohana, "May I remind of the restraining order that keeps you 500 yards from the wards." Mayuri felt the cold sweat of fear run down his back as she gave him what can only be described as a 'look'.

"Er... K-Kuchiki-taicho," desperate to change the subject, "Perhaps you would care to accompany me back to 12th Division and we can to bottom of this whole 'whodunnit' business?"

"Very well," said Byakuya as he got up from his chair, "The sooner the better." To be honest he wanted to get out of here ASAP before the esteemed doctor went ballistic again.

And with that both taichos left.

"Finally," Unohana sighed, "Thought they'll never leave. Now Hanataro-kun let's go see what's the matter with Abarai Renji should we?"

_I wonder what Mayuri was doing here in the first place anyway?_

It was quite some time before she noticed that all her pens were missing.

* * *

One tedious walk to 12th Division later...

"... and as you see the current events just provide farther evidence on my theory of Arrancar reproduction."

"Fascinating", Byakuya replied. He thought he had witnessed many horrors in his life but nothing compared to a talkative Mayuri Kurotsuchi. It had been like this since they left 4th Division, the scientist would chatter excitingly about how the newborn opened up whole new avenues of research then the noble would feint interest and mutter some kind of diplomatic response because he didn't wish to angry the only man with an answer to the 'father' question.

"Indeed it is, I'm glad you agree," Clearly Mayuri was immune to sarcasm, "As I was saying the donor couldn't possibly be anything but an Arrancar, in fact the very idea it could be a Hollow is laughable."

_Bloody hilarious,_ Byakuya wanted to say but decided to be tactful and instead said, "How so?"

"Because they don't possess any genitalia", he answered like it was painfully obvious.

"Can't say I've ever noticed," nor did he wish to.

They finally arrived at the entrance of the Research and Development building. Byakuya became slightly worried after seeng the sign at the door that read, 'Caution: Hazardous Materials. May cause radiation poisoning, irritable bowels and reverse time-distortion syndrome.'

However he did not notice the sign below which read, 'To all staff, please remember today is Funny Hat Friday.'

* * *

At the same time...

"Where the hell have you guys been?", asked Ichigo as Ishida and Chad entered the private room, "I thought everyone left the living world together."

"We did but we've running around in circles forever," Ishida snapped, "This place is built like a bloody maze."

"I said you should've waited for the escorts," chided Orihime. And Chad just stood there in silence... as usual.

* * *

Meanwhile 20 floors below sea-level...

After several massive vault doors and elevator rides underground the taichos and fukutaicho finally arrived at 12th Division's most secure laboratory, Area Offlimits, the place where experiments go to die. Every research project that was deemed too dangerous, too unusual or too pointless are send here to be forgotten and gather dust... as per standard Seireitei policy.

It was also the place where Mayuri liked to get a few minutes peace and quiet.

"Welcome, Kuchiki Byakuya to the belly of the beast... of science!", the 12th taicho exclaimed hoping his counterpart would be impressed.

"Mayuri, why is it necessary for us to be here?" the noble demanded, clearly at his wit's end.

"Because my private surveillance room is down here."

"Private surveillance room?"

"Yes... I like to watch... for science...", Byakuya just gave him a blank look while Nemu continued to look blank, "Do you want my help or not?"

"Yes I do req..."

"Then no questioning!"

"I wasn't questi..."

"I said no questioning!" Mayuri was starting to sweat.

_Diplomacy be damned!_

"Mayuri!", Byakuya snapped as he grabbed the sweaty man by the front of his kimono, "I couldn't care less about your perverted little past-time! Now are we going to get to the bloody point or will I have to feed you that own ridiculous monstrosity you call a hat!" His reiatsu increased, threating to crush all in it's path and make everything appear blurry.

"... i-it's right over there," Kurotsuchi replied in a pathetically tiny voice as he pointed to a door clearly labelled 'Private viewing room' in bright pink neon letters above it with a beaded curtain across the doorway.

"...ah."

The pair sat in awkward silence as Nemu set-up the projection equipment, all the while the Kuchiki leader mused,

_If this is a private viewing room why is there ample seating for two dozen people ...and a mini-bar?_

Mayuri cleared his throat. It sounded like a drain being unclogged.

"I feel an explaination is in order at this point", in reality it was excuse to heard his own voice so more, "In my infinite genius I was able to calculate the exact date of the day or more precisely night of conception..."

Byakuya grimaced at the word 'conception' and thought,

_This loonatic has far too much time on his hands._

"... and by sheer coincidence and thanks to some spy-bacteria infested gigais I happened to have surveillance footage from the very night in question! Nemu! Roll the film!"

"Yes Mayuri-sama." The lights dimmed. The screen lit up. Questions would about to be answered...

and yet many more were raised.

"Popcorn?"

* * *

8:57pm September 19th

10th Division courtyard

Rukia's promotion party...

"Okay everyone", Ise Nanao raised her voice to be heard over the chatter of the other shinigami, "Now we got the gigais sorted out, I'll be doing one last head count before we move onto the living world!" Only a few were even listening to her, the rest ...well the men were too wrapped up with their own pointless conversations about nothing.

"I'll handle this", Matsumoto told Nanao as she stepped forward, "I have people skills... OH NO MY BREASTS HAVE ESCAPED FROM THEIR PRISON OF CLOTHES!" That got everyone's full attention.

"All yours kiddo," she said turning back to Nanao and winked.

"Thanks", deadpanned the 8th fukutaicho readjusting her glasses, "As I was saying I'm doing a head count before we set off."

She was answered by several groans of frustration and one 'Get on with it!'. Years of experience with Shunsui allowed her to ignore the complaints easily as she continued the task at hand. So far the group conprised of the Gotei 13 fukutaichos (excluding Hinamori and Sasakibe... too mental and too boring for a party), the entire Shinigami Women's Association (yes even Yachiru), Zaraki Kenpachi (because someone needs to watch Yachiru), Ikkaku and Yumichika ('cause someone needs to watch Kenpachi), Mayuri (who kindly 'donated' the gigais), Yamada Hanataro and finally Hitsugaya. Nanao resisted doing a double-take on the last two.

_Okay I know Hanataro is a friend of Rukia's but why is Hitsugaya-taicho here,_ then she noticed he was not in a gigai like the others and dressed for bed.

"Matsumoto", the white haired prodigy turned to face the busty shinigami, "Why have you dragged me out of bed to...to this?"

"We're having a celebration for Rukia-chan's promotion to fukutaicho..."

"You said it was going to be a small party," protested Rukia.

"I say lots of things but doesn't mean they're all true", answered Matsumoto quickly before turning back to Toshiro with puppy dog eyes, "I really wanted you to come to the living world with us."

"Two questions," he asked closing his eyes while pinching the bridge of his nose in exhausted annoyance.

"Shoot."

"First, why the living world?"

"So Byakuya doesn't find out."

"Fair enough and why the hell do you want me to come?"

"I was hoping if you had some fun that bug up your ass might die," she replied with a smile. The silence that followed was deafening.

"I'm going back to bed," and with that, Hitsugaya left. While this exchange of pleasantries was happening, Nanao was attending to organize the ramble with little success.

"Now that everyone's here, I'll just outline the plan for the evening that Matsumoto has so helpfully written down on a napkin," she announced as she tried to read the smudged handwriting. This statement was rewarded by several groans of frustration and another 'Get on with it!'.

_Some days I wonder why I bother,_ she thought but decided to carry on, "Once arriving at the living world we will process to The Red Lion, some kind of theme pub, then afterwards to Tony's Rib Joint and if everyone is still vertical back to The Red Lion for another round. Each person has been suppled with enough yen that should last you night however if you happen to run out or lose it please inform me or Nemu-fukutaicho. We are carrying extra money in case of emergencies." This was rewarded by cheers and oddly another 'Get on with it!'.

_Who keeps saying that?_

"Now then," Nanao when she was satisfied that the group was clear on what the plan was, "Any questions?"

One hand shot up immediately from the back of the throng of people.

"I've got one. How many drinks will it take before you get your kit off?"

"Well, it shouldn't be too ma-HEY!"

"Can't blame a guy for trying."

"TAICHO!" she shouted in surprise as she recognized the mystery voice.

"Oh my sweet Nanao-chan always so formal", said Kyoraku Shunsui as he stepped forward, "Why can't you call me Shunsui-kun or darling?" He was answered with a uppercut to the jaw.

"Taicho", she growled shaking with fury, "What are you doing here and why are you in a gigai?"

"Matsumoto-chan invited me," the taicho replied innocently as he nursed his sore jaw.

"I should've known," Nanao muttered to herself, her night had officially turned to shit.

"Oh come on Nanao", chirped Matsumoto as she put an arm around her fellow fukutaicho's shoulder, "You should relax, it's a party just go with the flow."

"I guess you're ri..."

"OKAY GANG! LETS GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!" The resulting roar of approval caused nearby windows to shake. And woke Hitsugaya up again.

"Tch. About bloody time", chided Mayuri, uncomfortable without his mask or white skinpaint (he needed to past for human whilst in the living world... which is why he now has ears), "Hurry up Nemu and don't forget the plan."

"Yes Mayuri-sama," she answered obediently.

"Finally", grumbled Kenpachi, "I was gettin' bored."

"Get on with it!" cheered Yachiru happily, riding on his shoulder.


	3. Liver Let Die!

**Introduction: Who is little Hisana's father? Is it Nnoitra? Is it a Ichigo from a parallel dimension? Is it my cousin, Vinny? Is it Yoruichi from the kinda situation only found in bad doujin? Is it the 1991 Denver Broncos?!**

**Well you'll have to read to find out. Enjoy.**

**I do not own Bleach... couldn't handle the pressure.**

**--**

Much to Nanao's relief the trip to the living world had been trouble free, and even the trip to the bar had been executed with minimum fuss (apart from a few instances of getting lost which were always accompanied by a hearty cry of 'Get on with it!'), but that was as much bliss as the Fukutaicho could ever have hoped to achieve on the night out.

Needless to say, once the alcohol started to flow so did the chaos.

--

9:21pm September 19th

Karakura Town

The Red Lion

Ground Zero...

When the owner of The Red Lion decided to open a theme pub in Karakura Town, he thought he would corner the market by making it an English themed pub. The warmest of the lukewarm lagers, pork scratchings, cheese and onion crisps, Sunday newspapers and European football on the television. Of course the brave scheme was doomed to fail from the start. The only custom he received was from the few die-hard fanatic lovers of Brit-culture and English nationals who yearned for the taste of home. He went as far as to start selling Japanese food and drink just to keep afloat. But not even this was enough to keep his dream and more importantly his business alive...

That was until a moderately cool September night when the gravy train rolled into town.

"... So Matsumoto how the hell did you find this place?" Renji asked as he entered the drinking establishment, encased in his gigai and dressed like some reject from 1967.

"I read about it in this travel brochure," replied Matsumoto, unlike her counterpart was dressed in a fashion that was forty years up to date, waving the flimsy booklet in front of Renji's face.

"Your guide to Karakura Town: The Sight, the Stench, the Legend." he read the title aloud, "Where did you get that?"

"Urahara's place when we were here doing Arrancar surveillance about two weeks ago, remember?"

"Oh yeah."

"Anyway enough small talk. Let's party!"

"HURRAY!" responded the soon-to-be drunken mob.

"Get on with it!"

"Yay!" the relieved cry of the landlord.

"So Rukia-chan", Matsumoto asked as she dragged the reluctant Kuchiki over to the bar, "What's your poison? My treat."

"Er... I-I'll have a grapefruit juice thank you." Rangiku just gave her a blank look.

"A coke?" The busty Fukutaicho continued to stare. Then started to frown.

"What do you recommend?" she sighed in defeat. Rukia never wanted to come to the promotion party even if it was for her. She was never what you might call 'the life and soul of the party', when informed of the impending celebration she wished she just politely declined and hid under the floorboards until the coast was clear. But Matsumoto can be very persuasive. She wasn't even a big drinker; in fact she wasn't a drinker at all. Apart from the occasional cup of sake at New Year's but that was it. And even that had ended in disaster more than once.

Right now Rukia was dreading Matsumoto's reply, especially since she started to grin.

"That's the spirit! Barkeep..."

"Landlord." the man retorted.

"Whatever. What are your cocktails like?"

"Awful."

"Are they drinkable?"

"Well, they're made of liquid if that's what you mean?"

"Good enough. The birthday girl here would like..."

"It's not my birthday."

"... would like to sample your Slippery Nipple." The landlord had to stop and think about this one carefully.

"You meant the drink, right?"

"Yup and I think I'll have one too."

"Righto, two Nipples coming up." Mere moments later, the drinks were ready and the landlord moved on to serve the other Shinigami crowding the now full public house.

"Okay Rukia, down it in one go," Rangiku instructed as Rukia looked at the glass in disgust, "Over the lips and past the gums, look out stomach here it comes!"

_Oh well, it's now or never,_ Rukia thought then she choking down the shot. Nothing happened.

_Well that wasn't so ba... oh... oh shit._

Something happened.

--

9:56pm September 19th

When Cameos Attack...

"Look mate! For the last time I want her out," the landlord pointed at Yachiru, who was wearing a seifuku, "She's well the under the age and where've you been hiding her all this time, under your jacket?"

"Yes," answered Kenpachi with his usual 'I couldn't give a shit' expression. He was dressed like a one-eyed version of the Terminator but his hair wasn't spiked up as usual. Well he was told to wear something inconspicuous and the clothes were the only ones his size. The reason for still wearing his eye patch even though he's in a gigai was simply force of habit.

"Oh", the landlord was taken aback by the serious reply and tried to recover, "Well she still needs to leave."

"What's ya name?"

"What?"

"I said what's ya name?" Kenpachi leaned in closer and the landlord suddenly wished there's more than a bar separating the two. Something like the Atlantic Ocean should do the trick.

"I-It-It's Von Doomsatan, why do you want to know?"

"I like to know the names of the people I'm gonna kill." Kenpachi grinned after saying this and Von Doomsatan was glad he went to the toilet beforehand. He also knew when it's time to brown nose.

"Erm... look mate, buddy, friend ...m-maybe I was a bit hasty when I said I wanted her out," Von said quickly trying to delay his impending obliteration, "She can stay for tonight only _but_ absolutely no alcohol. I'm sorry but I'm putting my foot on that. Okay?"

Kenpachi maintained his stare on the panicking little man (plus he was curious why he never noticed the fact the landlord was wearing a closed face horned helmet) then looked down at Yachiru and once more at the strange man. Doomsatan decided to sweeten the deal.

"This round on the house."

"Yeah, that's okay I guess." And with that, the homicidal giant grabbed his drinks and went back to the table occupied by current and former 11th Division members.

"Phew. That was close," Von muttered to himself as his body sagged with relief. He heard a tiny voice clear her throat, obviously to get his attention. Well it worked and he peered over the bar to see a rosy cheeked face smiling back at him.

"If I give you some ice-cream or something, will you leave me alone?"

"Sure thing, Doomy-chan!"

The landlord had a feeling it was going to be a long night.

--

10:27pm September 19th

Much To Say About Nothing...

Several shots and a few cocktails later, it was safe to say that Rukia was now at the pleasantly drunk stage.

"... I'm just saying it's about bloody time they make me a Fukutaicho, that's all I'm just saying", Rukia exclaimed to the world in general, but it wasn't listening. She was also at the repeating yourself slurred gibberish stage.

"You're right! You're abso... absollllutely right!", agreed Matsumoto then her brow knitted with confusion, "Why? Why are you right?"

"Huh?" Rukia looked over to her well-endowed drinking companion, "Well look...look at the evidence, first of all Ichigo."

"What about him?" asked Nanao as she sat at the table occupied by most of the SWA after finally managing to lose Shunsui.

"He's got a nice arse," Soi Fon said drunkenly to herself.

"Before I met him, he was a nobody, not even a blip on the radar of life," she explained with a smug grin, "Then I gave him my powers, selflessly I might add, taught him the basics and now look at 'im. He's achieved Bankai in less than tree...three days and he fought Nii-sama and won."

"What does that prove?" enquired Rangiku still confused.

"That I have the skills to transform spineless weaklings into superhuman ninja commandos from hell!"

"Can't argue with that logic, Hana-chan," she nudged the semi-conscious Hanataro next to her (Rangiku has taken him under her protective wing for his first night out drinking... for what it's worth), "What do you think?" His head shot up from the table as he awoke from half-sleep.

"I...I...I think s-somebody's touching my leg," he mumbled then looked down to confirm this, "Oh wait... it's me. Hahahahaha!" Raising his hands to prove that they were indeed his hands after all and not a doppelganger's then his head slammed onto the table as unconsciousness took him once more.

"Awww isn't he adorable?!" Matsumoto squealed excitedly and crushed him against her bountiful bosom.

"I bet he's got a nice arse," Soi Fon muttered into her glass as she drank.

"And secondl-l-l-ly I one-shotted an Arr...Arran...Arrancar with ease," the petite Shinigami carried on with her speech.

"But didn't you get punched through the stomach by another Arrancar?" Matsumoto asked as Hanataro slowly suffocated to death.

"Really?" she said with innocent tone, her voice muffled by the glass while she drank, "Must have forgot to put that in the after-action report. Anyway, I got better."

"I wonder if that Arrancar had a nice arse?" inquired the spec-ops commander.

"Besides Ukitake-taicho really needs the help with the Div...Divie...company thingy", stated Rukia then lowered her voice and suspiciously looked in Kiyone's direction, who was about ten feet away talking excessively to her sister Isane, "And I don't think Kiyone and Sentaro's constant bitchin' is helping much." They all sat in silence, trying to find any fault with this statement. None was forthcoming.

"Ukitake's got a fantastic arse!" exclaimed Soi Fon happily.

"I'll drink to that!" Matsumoto cheered.

--

11:32pm September 19th

This Cold Night Will Turn Us All Into Fools And Madmen...

"I can't believe you forgot to book the tables at the restaurant!" scolded Nanao as she entered the Red Lion and turned to face the object of her aggravation, Matsumoto Rangiku.

"I can't believe you trusted me to do something right!" retorted Rangiku as she rode in on the back on Hanataro. For reasons of poorly made footwear, he was giving her a piggy-back ride back to the pub, however the height difference between the pair meant Matsumoto's breasts were now on either side of his head. Hanataro wasn't sure how to feel about this, part of him was embarrassed, part of him was enjoying it, part of him was in extreme pain and the rest of him was doing things that made him glad he was bent over.

"You didn't improve matters when the waiter asked 'Do you have any reservations?' you said..."

" 'Yeah, these high heels were a mistake!' Hahahahaha!" said Matsumoto with a drunken smile as she waved the broken heels in front of Nanao.

"Hilarious", deadpanned Nanao, rolling her eyes and tried to ignore the headache that was forming, "Anyway I think you can get off Hanataro now."

"He is such a gentleman, carrying me all the way back after these lousy things broke."

"I-It was no problem Matsumoto-san," he stuttered and blushed at the compliment.

"You are so cuuuute!", and once again proceed to crush Hanataro against her bosom in a show of affection, "You go sit down and I'll get ya a drink. You too Nanao-chan."

"That's okay, you don't have to," the spectacled woman replied. She managed to avoid getting completely wasted like the rest of the Women's Association because she followed one golden rule... Don't let Matsumoto get you a drink! It never ends well.

"I insist." Nanao tried to get away but unfortunately Rangiku had a firm grip on her shoulders and fixed the struggling Fukutaicho with one of the most powerful weapons in her persuasive arsenal, the puppy dog look.

"Fine. But just the one drink."

Nanao decided she might as well look for her Taicho while Matsumoto went to the bar. Better check to see if he's destroyed something or choked on his own vomit. She spotted Yumichika and Hisagi talking the strange armour-plated landlord.

_I'll ask them if they've seen the Taicho... and why didn't I notice that guy's wearing a helmet until now?_

"Do you mind if we use the karaoke machine?" Yumichika asked, pointing at the contraption gathering dust in the corner.

"Depends," the landlord answered.

"On what?"

"How well can you sing with a crossbow bolt in the neck," and placed a loaded crossbow on the countertop to emphasis his point.

"That is not beautiful."

"No but it bloody hurts." Nanao tapped Hisagi on the shoulder to get his attention.

"Excuse me, have you seen Kyoraku-taicho?"

"Yeah he's over there", he pointed to a table at the far end of the bar, it was surrounded by empty bottles and a cheering mob of both Shinigami and humans, "He's with Kenpachi and Mayuri. Some kinda drinking contest."

"...with Kurotsuchi-taicho?" she asked wondering if her ears were deceiving her.

"Yeah and what's even stranger is that it looks like he's winning too." Now she was getting worried.

"Thank you," she said and hurried over to her taicho.

_Better call 4th Division and have them put the stomach pump on stand-by._

As she drew closer Nanao could heard the mob chant in unison the traditional call of the drinking contest, 'Chug! Chug! Chug!'. Nanao wasn't at all surprised to find Yachiru leading the chorus. After managing to push her way to front of the crowd she saw the three Taichos simultaneously draining a large glass of ale each without pausing for breath. It was evident by the numerous glasses on the table that the competition was fierce. It wasn't just shot and pint glasses that littered the table but also mugs, tankards, jugs, buckets, tubs, flagons, drinking horns, overly elaborate flip-top beersteins, skulls of fallen enemies and a wok.

_Better make that several stomach pumps._

"Hello Ise-fukutaicho." Nanao almost jumped out of her skin at the sound of the sudden voice next to her. She turned to find it was Nemu who was speaking to her.

"Hello Nemu-san", she returned the greeting and was about to leave the pleasantries at that but there was a burning question she just needed to ask, "Why is Kurotsuchi-taicho taking part in this mindless binge drinking?"

"It was Mayuri-sama's idea."

"...it was?"

"Yes, he said 'I'll beat that fat-headed barbarian and that lazy good-for-nothing drunk at their own game if it's the last thing I do!' ", she simply stated, "I believe it has something to do with the time Zaraki-taicho said Mayuri-sama had 'less of a stomach for alcohol than a prepubescent school girl' at a meeting then Kyoraku-taicho laughed and agreed with him."

"So he thought he'll drink them under the table to get his revenge?"

"Yes since the Soutaicho prohibited the use of chemical weapons."

"I guess that he has some kind of devious plan?" There was a pause.

"I'm not at liberty to say."

--

40 minutes earlier

A Devious Plan...

Mayuri checked to see if anyone was watching him as he entered the toilet cubicle, but to be honest it'll be a cold day in Hell before anybody's desperate enough to perv on Mayuri on the toilet. Satisfied that the coast was clear he stepped inside and locked the door.

"That idiot Nemu better have hidden it here or she's in a world of pain when we get home," he muttered to himself darkly as he lifted the lid off of the system. He immediately spotted the object of his search, a waterproof plastic bag. A bag that contained surgical apparatus and what appears to be a larger version of a liver with several tubes sticking out of it. Mayuri grinned his trademark sadistic grin. The organ was called the Omni-liver and once properly installed, it would allow him to ingest vast quantities of alcohol safety as the organ stored and prevented it entering his system. It was a necessary measure in order to win his proposed drinking contest with Kenpachi and Shunsui, for Mayuri was well aware of his near legendary inability to stomach any alcoholic brewage. One drop of sake and he almost immediately starts singing the song about a goblin. The only downside was that earlier tests with the Omni-liver had shown it was prone to overheat and could become volatile but it was a risk he was willing to take.

"All I have to do now is make a small incision and pop it in." He sat down and removed his shirt then without delay proceeded to cut into his abdomen with surprisingly little blood. Holding the scalpel in his teeth and using one hand to keep the incision open, he tried to reach behind him to the bag containing the organ, Mayuri quickly realised the folly of DIY surgery in such a confined space. Eventually Mayuri managed to get hold of the Omni-liver and was about to insert it in the cut when it dawned on him that the incision was too small.

"DAMN IT!" screamed the scientist which caused the scalpel to fall out of his mouth, hit the floor and slid into the next cubicle. It was several seconds before Mayuri was able to sum up the situation in one word.

"Bugger." He considered shouting for help but that meant explaining how he managed to get stuck like this.

"I guess I'll just have to force it in."

However the universal rule of comic timing was now in effect which meant somebody had walked in the toilets. Unfortunately for Renji it was him. He stood at the urinals opposite to the cubicles, trying to aim straight unsuccessfully in his drunken haze. Suddenly his concentration was disturbed by the sounds of straining coming from the stall behind him.

"Hrrrrnnnn! Come on you little bastard hrrrrnnnn!"

_Is that Mayuri's voice? _Renji thought and became increasingly worried by the squelching sounds.

"Hrrrrrrrnnnnn! Hrrrrnnnn! Go in there!" Renji really wanted to leave at this point but his bladder didn't seem to stop.

_I knew I shouldn't have held it in for so long!_

"Ah ha! Got it!" this was followed by a wet 'plop' sound, "Shit!"

Renji was horrified when he saw what appeared to be a mutant liver hit the floor and land just outside the stall door. Then a hand appeared from under the door, groping blindly seemingly searching for the run-away organ. Eventually the hand found the object it desired and quickly took it back within the cubicle of mystery.

"Ha! Thought you could get away didn't you?" A few moments of silence followed then Renji could hear the door being unlocked. Mayuri stepped out with a smug grin on his face and left the toilets without even noticing the other Shinigami's presence.

Renji was in so much shock over the events of last couple of minutes he failed to notice he was pissing on his shoes.

--

Meanwhile back at the drinking contest...

"Found 'em lads!" the landlord shouted from the bar and triumphantly held up three bizarre long and narrow glasses.

"What the Hell are they supposed to be?!" exclaimed Nanao in surprise and alarm.

"Yard glasses." She turned to Shunsui, hoping to make him see sense. There's a first time for everything.

"Taicho, you're not planning on drinking a whole yard of beer?!"

"Ooooh my sweet Nanao-chan! Always so formal", he slurred, "Of course I'm not going to drink a yard of ale..."

"Oh thank goodness."

"I'm going to drink a yard of sake!" said Shunsui with a moronic smile on his face. Everything seemed to pause for several seconds until Nanao finally snapped out of her shock.

"WHAT?! Are you insane?"

"Erm... is this a trick question?"

"Taicho..."

"Always so formal."

"...you can't possibly drink a whole yard of sake!" Nanao wasn't sure if she was worried about him or just annoyed with him. It was probably the latter.

"But Nanao-chan, if I don't do it I'll lose the bet," he whined as he pointed the pile of money heaped in the centre of the table.

"Taicho", she had a feeling she was going to regret asking this, "Where did you get all this money?"

"The Division's monthly budget."

"WHAT?!"

"Don't worry my sweeeeet Nanao-chan, I'm not going lose," he said with much bravado. However it looked like he was having a hard time focussing.

"Is there nothing I can say to make you see sense?" He gave this question some thought.

"Marry me?"

"No."

"Damn."

"Hey! Are we drinkin' or you just sit there yappin' all night with your girlfriend?" yelled an impatient Kenpachi. Nanao blushed at the 'girlfriend' comment and saw the other Taichos holding their yard glasses, full to the brim. The landlord stood next to them with the third glass held before him like a holy relic. Shunsui licked his lips as he accepted the drink.

"Here's your drink," a voice said next to Nanao's ear. For the second time that night she nearly jumped out of her skin. It was Matsumoto.

"Don't sneak up on me like that!"

"I wasn't sneakin' ", Matsumoto said defensively, holding a glass in front of her, "Anyway here's that drink you asked for."

"I did?"

"Yup," she replied, rolling her eyes.

"Oh... thank you Rangiku-san."

"Don't mention it." Alarm bells should have rang in Nanao's head while Matsumoto started to smile knowingly but she was too worried about Shunsui to notice anything. As she put the glass up to lips and drank its contents a voice was screaming in her mind,

_NO! STOP YOU STUPID WOMAN, LOOK AT THE LIQUID! IT'S GREEN FOR GOODNESS SAKE!_

Within moments Ise Nanao was dancing with the Green Fairy.

--

11:50pm September 19th

The Perils of Food and Drink...

To the surprise of nobody Shunsui lost the bet. He had almost drained his yard glass until he leaned back so the last of sake would trickle down however he continued to tilt backwards until he hit the floor. Kenpachi was the first to finish but after swaying unsteadily for nearly a minute, he too fell backwards and destroyed a table behind him. All Mayuri had to do to win was finish the last remnants of alcohol in his glass. However he quickly left the table and ran into the toilets when his guts started to groan loudly and steam poured out of his mouth and ears. Everyone was slightly worried about the sound of a wet explosion that followed.

Nemu went in afterwards to mop up the gooey remains of her father.

However Shunsui was not disheartened by his defeat as he was entertained by something far better than any alcoholic brewage. An absinthe addled Nanao pole dancing in her underwear before a baying mob. It was strange how nobody questioned the sudden appearance of a pole dancing table... or the fact there was a lever behind the bar labelled 'POLE FTW'.

Elsewhere the Shinigami Women's Association had found an alternative source of entertainment.

"See! Told ya it was impressive," Matsumoto said, proud of her recent discovery.

"It is!" agreed Isane, "I had no idea Hanataro-kun was capable of such a thing."

"He sure is good with his hands," praised Kiyone.

"Amazing. All he done was hold it between his thumb and forefinger," said Soi Fon.

"Don't forget he rubbed it too," added Rukia.

"Hahahaha oh yeah he did."

"Who would have guessed key bending was one of this guy's great but few skills," declared Matsumoto as she held Hanataro in an affectionate headlock. It was true; aside from healing and reiatsu suppression he was able to perform the fine art of key bending. Yale, deadlocks, luggage keys, all were his for the bending.

"Well it's my round", announced Rukia as she stood up unsteadily, "What's everyone having?"

"I'm fine thank you," replied Isane.

"Another purple one with the umbrellas," asked Kiyone.

"More sake!" yelled Rangiku.

"More keys!" added Soi Fon.

"Right." As Rukia went to the bar a strange individual wandered aimlessly into the pub. He was wearing red Hawaiian shirt, blue jeans and a tie round his forehead however it was his sky blue hair and eyes that stood out the most. He looked at his new surroundings in confusion and from his facial expression it was clear to see that he was trying to work out where he was. Then he just shrugged and headed straight for the bar.

--

Pause...

Byakuya sat in the surveillance room, looking at the blurry screen in bewilderment. Over the course of watching the surveillance video the quality of the footage became increasing worse and made it impossible to properly identify the blue haired man.

"What is happening to the picture and who is that man?" demanded Byakuya. Nobles never ask.

"Unfortunately the bacteria relies on the host's vision... I'm still beta testing... and as you can see... or can't in this case Rukia and many others were under the 'beer goggles' effect. Just need to sharpen the image a little", Mayuri turned in his seat, "Nemu! Sharpen the image!"

"Yes, Mayuri-sama."

"Little more...little more...a lot more...more and we got it! The mystery man is...er…who is that?"

"That is the Sexta Espada Grimmjow Jaegerjaque, Mayuri-sama," droned Nemu.

"There you go, Kuciki-taicho mystery solv..." Mayuri stopped himself when he noticed Byakuya was staring at the screen with malice and his fingers digging into the arms of his seat.

--

Meanwhile back to the plot...

"Hey", said Grimmjow to Rukia, who was stood next to him at the bar, "What's going here? Some kinda party?"

"Yeah, it's my promotion party," replied Rukia, but all she could think of was, _Maybe it's the alcohol talking but goddamn he's one sexy bastard!_

"Congrats."

"Thanks, by the way you look a little lost."

"Yeah, me and some... friends were out partying and I think I've wandered into the wrong bar", answered Grimmjow, "Er... why are you staring at my arse?"

"...I don't know..."

"Ooookay...", then after some deep thought, "Wanna get some food? Because I'm starving," he asked. Rukia was going to say no but then she and her stomach realised that apart from some dry roasted peanuts she has had nothing to eat all night.

"Sure. Just let me get these drinks to my friends first." She quickly walked over to the SWA table and put down the tray of glasses.

"I'm just going out for food with that blue haired guy," she said to her companions.

"The one with the sexy arse?" asked Soi Fon.

"Yeah, that's the one."

"Lucky bitch."

--

Grimmjow rang the bell on the counter and a large heavy-set man in a red waistcoat appeared. The man was wearing a badge which said 'Manager: Jonathon Stuntman'.

"How may I help sir?" he asked.

"I'll have the egg fried rice, spring rolls, chicken chow mein, a coke to take out and throw in some fortune cookies. What're you having?" he asked Rukia, who was stood next to him.

"I'll have the same as you."

"And the same for her," said Grimmjow turning back to face the manager.

"...er...sir, this is a love hotel," replied Jonathon Stuntman.

"Not a Chinese take-out?"

"No, sir."

"I see... I guess we'll eat in then."

"No, you misunderstand you see..." then Stuntman stopped himself, business has been slow for the last few weeks and right now he needed the money, besides what was one little white lie, "You see, sir you'll need to hire a room to eat here."

"Oh, is this enough for a room?" Grimmjow asked as he put a small pile of crumbled notes on the counter.

"Ooooh yes, that'll be enough sir", said Stuntman, eyeing the money greedily for behind his darkened glasses then turned to grab a set of room keys from the hooks on the wall, "You're in room six."

"Cool. Six is my lucky number."

"I bet it is", the manager muttered to himself then smiled and said, "I'll send the food up when it's ready, sir."

_Right, wait until it's quiet then across the road to grab some take-out for these idiots,_ he thought as Grimmjow and Rukia ascended the staircase.

Moments later, the duo were in their newly acquired room and sat on the edge of the bed. Neither were sure what to do until the food arrived.

"I have no idea what your name is." Rukia suddenly said. Grimmjow looked up for his inspection of the tissue box next to the bed.

"Huh?"

"Your name. I don't know it."

"Ah right, I thought mentioned it. I'm Grimmjow."

"I'm Rukia." _Wow, never meet a Greg before. _Then the awkward silence returned with a vengeance. Rukia was starting to sweat but that might have more to do with the rising temperature in the room.

_Why the hell is it getting hot in here?_

Downstairs...

"Yes I know it's late but I really need somebody to come and fix this bloody thermostat," said Stuntman to the repairman on the phone, holding the broken dial in his hand.

Back in the room, Rukia was starting to feel a little light-headed from the alcohol from earlier and the increasing heat. Plus Grimmjow didn't help matters by taking his shirt off in an attempt to keep cool. She couldn't stop staring at his semi-naked body.

_Get a grip on yourself Rukia! It's just his chest... rippling with muscle... amazing abs and... NO! No, no, no! Quick look at something else like... er... his neck... his gorgeous thick neck and handsome face... those piercing blue eyes... _

"Er... you feelin' okay?" asked Grimmjow, slightly worried that she's been staring at him for a couple of minutes, "You look a little flushed. Want me to open the window?" Jerking his thumb in the direction of said window.

"...no," mumbled Rukia, continuing to watch him intensely.

"No?" replied Grimmjow, suddenly becoming self-conscious under her gaze.

"I want you!" and with that she pounced at him. Unfortunately due to their height difference and the fact that Rukia was planning on locking lips with him, meant she ending up head butting the startled Espada on the chin. The momentum of her sudden charge knocked both of them off the bed in a tangle of bodies.

The rest of the night was a haze.

--

9:00-10:30am September 20th

Unforseen Consequences...

Laying face down in her pillow Rukia awoke. Groaning and clutching her throbbing head, she tried to take in her surroundings.

"Where the hell am I... and why am I naked?" she mumbled to herself.

_Okay Rukia try to retrace your steps... there was the party... then the pub... booze... more booze... lots more booze..._

Her stomach grumbled loudly.

"Could really do with something to eat right now", then she paused as a memory tried to fight its way through her hangover, "Food! Ow...", clutching her head again, "I went looking for food... with somebody but who?" Rukia turned over to lie on her back to get a better view of the room.

_If I was looking for food then how did I end up in this room?_ A half remembered image flashed in her mind. A tall man with strange hair.

_What was his name again? Gr... Gri... Greg? That was it! Greg! We thought this place was a take-out..._

Then she noticed the bed was circular and had a control panel with the words 'Viberate' and 'Rotate' on it. The box of tissues. The menu of pay-per-view porn. The handcuffs fastened to the headboard. Slowly but surely, the pieces of puzzle fell into place.

_HOLY SHIT! I'M IN A LOVE HOTEL!_ More images flashed in her mind. He was topless. She was jumping on top of him. Their lips connecting, their tongues in each other's mouths. Rukia taking her dress off.

_...oh...oh shit! I slept with him... I had sex with a complete stranger... Nii-sama is going to kill me._

Elsewhere, somebody else was waking up to an unpleasant surprise...

Nanao was lying in bed, hung-over and puzzled about still being in a gigai and what looked to be a hotel suite in the living world. Nanao sat up when she heard someone enter the room.

It was Shunsui in a bathrobe, holding a tray with a pot of tea and cups on it.

"T-taicho?"

"Ah you're up Nanao-chan or should I said..." he paused for dramatic affect and started to smile, "Mrs. Kyoraku."

"...w-what?" she stuttered, not believing what she just heard, "This must be some kind of joke, right?"

"It's no joke, my blushing bride", said Shunsui as he sat next to her on the bed, "I have the certificate to prove it." Nanao read the piece of paper that was handed to her. It was true, they were married at a 24-hour wedding chapel ran by somebody called Crazy Cousin Vinny.

"Nanao-chan?" asked Shunsui, worried that his wife was staring into space for about five minutes, "Are you okay? You look pale."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Meanwhile in Soul Society...

Hanataro woke up, head pounding and a strange taste in his mouth. If asked to describe this taste he would simply say 'Yellow'. He laid there looking up at the ceiling for several minutes before he realised something important.

_This isn't my ceiling... in fact this isn't even my room..._

Moments passed before two more key facts made themselves clear. He was stark naked and somebody's arm was across his chest. A woman's arm to be correct. Hanataro held his breath as he turned to see the owner of the arm. His heart sank. He was face to face with the sleeping naked form of Soi Fon.

_...oh sugar!_ (even in his mind he was unable to swear) _Soi Fon-taicho! How did this happen?!_

Memories of last night forced their way through the fuzziness of his hangover. The pub. Getting drunk. Very drunk. Arriving back at Seireitei. Staggering back home. Bumping into an equally drunk Soi Fon. Soi Fon saying she had a shitload of keys for bending. Then it got a little hazy. Somehow one thing led to another and...

_...I SLEPT WITH SOI FON!_ For a brief second Hanataro wasn't sure what to feel. On the one hand, he slept with a woman, which was great, however on the other hand when she wakes up he was going to die. Then his mind finally decided on what to feel, terror.

He tried to carefully slide out of the futon but the Taicho started to stir. Hanataro froze as her eyes opened and looked directly at him. Then something unexpected happened. She smiled.

"Good morning, Tiger," Soi Fon said softly. It took him a moment to realise that she was talking to him.

"G-good morning."

"Not leaving me are you?"

"N-no," he lied. She cuddled up to him and closed her eyes.

"Good," she said then went back to sleep. Hanataro lay there for some time before he decided to go back to sleep himself. Maybe this was just a bizarre dream...

...It wasn't.

Elsewhere...

Renji woke up feeling like his head was attempting to give birth to a melon and the odd taste of dead cat in his mouth. Surprisingly he was in his own futon. He must have managed to get undressed to a degree in his intoxicated state because he was wearing only his hakama. Nothing seemed to be wrong.

_Strange... normally something bad happens while I get that plastered... especially if Matsumoto's there._ Then he could hear someone snoring softly next to him. Fearing the worse, Renji turned to see who it was. It wasn't one person, it was two.

Hisagi Shuhei and Kira Izuru in a similar state of undress as himself.

"Oh... fuck..."

--

Mid-afternoon May 25th

Rash Promises...

The lights came back on as the production credits started to stroll upwards on the screen. Mayuri enjoyed watching the film (well expect the part where his plan backfired and he exploded) and was smiling smugly as it was he who managed to solve the case of 'whodunnit to Rukia'.

"Well, Kuchiki-taicho now that the matter is more or less resolved I was wondering if we can discuss my fee for use of my facilities", he said with a grin as he turned to face his fellow Taicho, only to find Byakuya's seat was empty, "Shit! He's buggered off!"

Byakuya walked back to 6th Division in grim silence. Shinigami quickly got out of his way as soon they saw the dangerous look in his eyes. Thoughts raced through his mind.

_What was Rukia thinking?... Why was Grimmjow there?... The child is his offspring... The pride and name of the Kuchiki clan was ruined!..._ However there was one thought that continued to pop into his head. A memory from roughly 4 months ago when Byakuya, in an odd moment of brotherly affection tried to comfort his emotional sister, who was worried about talk of promiscuity.

_'Do not worry Rukia-kun I will ensure nobody will think less of you after your child is born.'_

_'Really? How Nii-sama?'_

_'I will find the father of your unborn child and I will make sure he does the right thing.'_

_'Promise?'_

_'I swear it on the memory of my wife and parents.'_ To be honest he was hoping the baby was Renji's (it was painful obvious his Fukutaicho had a thing for his sister) and he could have easily bullied the red headed idiot into marriage but now the terrible truth loomed in forward of the noble. The father was an Arrancar and worse still it was one of Aizen's Espada. And now he had a promise to keep.

Byakuya arrived at his office and thankfully it was deserted. He closed the door and locked the windows then took off his white haori and sat down at his desk. He proceeded to stuff part of garment into his mouth and wrapped the rest round his head. Nobody could hear his muffled screams of frustration.

Eventually Byakuya calmed down enough to think straight. One course of action lay before him. He would have to call in a favour for a person he thought he'd never have to talk to again. Steadying his breathing, the noble picking up the telephone on his desk and dialled the memorized number. It rang for a while until somebody picked up at the other end.

"Hello?" the voice on the phone asked.

"Hello Gin. It's Byakuya..."

**--**

Shinigami Picture Book... GOLDEN!

Matsumoto walked out of Renji's room with a satisfied smile.

"They're sleeping like logs now", she said to Ikkaku and Yumichika who were stood in the hallway, "Thanks for carrying them guys."

"You're a sick woman Matsumoto," chided Ikkaku.

"I couldn't resist. At least I left their pants on."

**--**

**(Author's Note) Why is Byakuya calling Gin? What was Grimmjow doing in the living world? Why was he being so nice? What the hell did Renji get up to?**

**These questions answered (hopefully) next week in DragonBall Z! ...er...nevermind**


	4. From Hueco Mundo With Love

**Author Notes: This chapter is a little shorter than the previous chapters for one **_**very**_** good reason; writer's block is a nightmare. **

**A special thanks to Pickman's Secret for all the help.**

**Enjoy.**

**I do not own Bleach... otherwise Soul Society would be knee-deep with killer bears...**

**--**

May 25th

Hueco Mundo

Las Noches

Calling Long Distance...

Ichimaru Gin was lying lazily on his bed (to be truthful, a mattress on a concrete slab) reading a scruffy looking copy of William Shatner's TekWar when the phone on his bedside table rang. He looked at it in surprise and confusion. Normally a phone ringing wouldn't merit such a reaction but in Gin's case this event was considered odd in view of the fact that he hasn't had a call for nearly a year. He had hoped Matsumoto would call him, it's not like she didn't know his number but to be honest she was probably still mad about the whole 'being a traitor' thing. She sure can hold a grudge but it was one of the many things he loved about her. That and the makeup sex afterwards. Gin bookmarked his page and picked up the receiver.

"Hello?"

"Hello Gin. It's Byakuya..."

"Bya-kun! This is a surprise! How are ya?"

"...I'm fine, look Gin I want to ask yo..."

"Because I feel great now you've called. Ya won't believe how boring it is here..." Gin started to twist the phone cord round his fingers.

"That's nice. I need you to listen..."

"...and don't get me started on how dull the scenery is round here. Just sand and dead trees. Boooriiing! And it's always a full moon too..."

"Gin..."

"...can't tell difference between day and night here which has completely messed with my sleep pattern. Took me forever to get rid of the bags under my eyes..."

"GIN!"

"Yes?"

"Shut up and listen. I need to ask you a question."

"Okay. Shoot."

"Why was Grimmjow in Karakura Town nine months ago?"

"Nine months ago? Wasn't that when Grimm-kun and his posse attacked?"

"No, it was roughly two weeks later and he was in a gigai."

"In gigai? In gigai? ...Ah ha! I remember!"

"What?"

"We were on a pub crawl."

"...pardon?"

"A pub crawl. Me, Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, Nnoitra... well most of the Espada really."

"Why?"

"Dunno", Gin shrugged, "Guess it was one of those 'Why not?' moments. Why'd ya ask?" Gin was sure Byakuya said something in reply but it was hard to hear because he was mumbling.

"Sorry Bya-kun, you're going to have to repeat that."

"I said...", he paused for a moment before he sighed and continued, "...he's the father of Rukia's child." Gin's brain struggled to process this information.

"...huh?"

"Please don't make me repeat it."

"Rukia's child? Father? Grimmjow? Seriously?"

"Unfortunately, yes I am serious." Gin's brain was still struggling to process this sudden revelation. In the end it did what it does best, mindless chatter.

"...Rukia had a baby! Why didn't anyone tell me? When was it born? Is it a boy or a girl? Oh this is going to be great! I'll be a terrific uncle."

"But you're not even related," replied Byakuya, taken back by Gin's outlandish statement. He hated talking to him when he was excited.

"Bah, details", countered Gin bluntly, "So Bya-kun, why this phone call? I'm guessin' it's not about telling me the good news."

"You are correct. I need to ask you for a favour."

"Okay?"

"I need you to arrange it so Grimmjow..." he forced himself to continue the request, "... marries Rukia." Gin couldn't believe his ears. Byakuya was asking him for a favour. And he wanted his sister to marry an Espada.

"You've been vowing stuff again, haven't you?"

"...yes."

"You really should stop doing that. It only ends in tears. Remember that weekend at your place, with the drinking and the baby oil..."

"You agree'd never to mention that again."

"You vowed and swore a lot of things that night too, more swearing than vowing though-"

"Gin, can we get back to the point?"

"Sure."

"I need to you to organise things in Hueco Mundo while I work out the details here."

"Um...Bya-kun, I was wondering why exactly _should_ I help out marrying off Grimmjow?"

"Because you get sick enjoyment out of tormenting everyone around you."

"Hmmm, good point. I'll do it!"

--

A Plan So Cunning You Can Brush Your Teeth With It...

Grimmjow Jeagerjaques, Sexta Espada was not happy. He was far from happy; so far in fact it was almost impossible to imagine the distance he was from said emotion. He really hates waking up the first thing in the afternoon. In short, Grimmjow was tired, slightly hungry and more surly than usual. And to top things off, he had bed hair. Kicking open the door in front of him to express his annoyance and general ignorance of door handles, the Arrancar entered Gin's chambers.

"Hey Shinigami, you better have a good reason for waking me up so fucking early." Reclining on his bed, Gin merely looked up from his book.

"Oh Grimm-kun, this is a surprise. What brings you here?"

"You fucking sent for me!" yelled Grimmjow, not in the mood for Gin's games.

"Did I?"

"You sent that little fruity bastard to wake me up," replied the Espada, referring to Luppi.

"Well he is your Fraccion."

"Ugh, don't remind me", he groaned, shuddering at the thought of the diminutive arrancar prancing around _his_ domain like he owned the place, "Was there a reason or I'm going." Gin smiled, snapped the book closed and hopped off the bed.

"Oh yes, there's a reason why I called you here. Tell me can you remember what we did roughly nine months ago?"

"Vaguely", he answered, puzzled by this seemingly unprovoked question, "The night out right?"

"Got it in one, now can you remember _exactly_ what you did?"

"Of course not, you idiot," confusion now switching back to annoyance.

"Well I'll tell ya, at some point on that night you knocked some poor girl up," Gin said with a grin that almost touched the top of his head.

"Huh?" annoyance now switching back to confusion.

"Ya know, got her up the duff." Grimmjow just stood there with a bewildered look on his face.

"Dipped ya wick?" Still no response.

"Bumped uglies?" Still nothing.

"Put a bun in her oven?"

"Um... what?"

"Oh for fuc... I'm talking about sex, you moron! You... have... impregnated... someone!" Gin shouted as loudly and slowly as possible. From the look on Grimmjow's face it appeared something finally clicked.

"... oh... who?"

"Kuchiki Rukia."

"Who?"

"Kurosaki's little Shinigami friend." Grimmjow went through several emotions almost simultaneously. Confusion followed by shock then back to confusion, then disbelief before finally settling for anger.

"This better be some sick fucking joke, Shinigami."

"Oh no, my dear Grimm-kun", Gin replied as he put his hand on the Arrancar's shoulder in a mock display of consoling, "I've got a reliable source in Soul Society that tells me Rukia has given birth to your child." Grimmjow shrugged off Gin's hand, taking a step back trying to keep his distance from the grinning sadist.

"Well your 'reliable' source is full of bullshit! Why would I have sex with a Shinigami?! I would've remembered!"

"Unless you were blind, stinking drunk," Gin interjected.

"Unless I was blind, stin... SHUT UP!"

"Now there's no sense in makin' this more difficult than it has to be. Just admit you are the mystery babymaker then we can all get on with own lives."

"I'm not admitting to anything I can't remember!"

"Then you leave me no other option. I must resort to unsportsmanlike behaviour," said Gin as he advanced towards the Arrancar. Grimmjow immediately shifted into his fighting stance, readying himself for whatever attack the lunatic can throw at him. Suddenly the Shinigami stopped in his tracks then put his hands over his mouth as if he just realised some shocking revelation.

"Oh where are my manners. I forgot to offer you a drink when you came in." Stunned, Grimmjow was taken back through this sudden one-eighty turn of events.

"... what?"

"Oh come on, one drink then the mindless violence. Luppi-chan." Said Arrancar poked his head round the door.

"Yes, Gin-san."

"Could you please bring me and Grimm-kun some refreshments?"

"Fortunately I thought you guys might be thirsty so I already brought some," Luppi said as he entered the room, carrying a tray with two glasses upon it. If he wasn't so pissed off and itching for a fight Grimmjow would have noticed how hammy Gin and Luppi's acting was. It was almost as if they had rehearsed this beforehand.

"I'm sorry but all we have left is milk," apologized the suspiciously effeminate Arrancar with a smile. The Sexta Espada looked at the glass of liquid held out in front of him, wondering if this was a calculated insult then glared at Gin.

"If this is some kinda cat joke I'm going to force feed ya your own legs," he snarled.

"Oooh now you're just being paranoid. It's just milk", said the former taicho, his voice almost hypnotic, "Just an ordinary, cool, refreshing, thirst quenching, _harmless_ glass of milk." Normally the _harmless_ comment would've rung alarm bells in Grimmjow's head but for some odd reason he was really thirsty.

"Fine but I'm still kicking your ass afterwards," he said, snatching the drink from Luppi.

_Hmmm milk. Good for the bones._ Then guzzled it down in one. Letting out a satisfied belch, he fell, landing face first as the hidden tranquillizers in the milk took effect. Gin and Luppi looked down at the unconscious form with the expressions of a job well done.

"That was surprisingly easy," said Luppi.

"Yup", agreed Gin, "Now we move onto phase two. But first..." He chuckled as he took a magic marker out of his pocket.

--

Mystery Science Theatre...

Grimmjow woke up in darkness, his head spinning and blissfully unaware that he now had cat whiskers, a black eye and the word 'Mouth' with an arrow drawn on his face. He was however worried about the fact that he couldn't move his arms and legs. Grimmjow would've looked to see why but his head appeared to be in some kind of vice.

"What the fuc... where am I?" he asked the world in general, "Somebody better answer me!" Then there was light. And the gentle hum of generators warming up. This didn't improve matters much but at least the Espada could tell now he was lying down because he was looking at the ceiling.

"Ah looks like the... ah ha... patient is awake," a voice said, distorted by the after-effects of the tranquillizers and the room itself.

"Who's there? Gin, is that you, you fruity fuck?" yelled Grimmjow, wishing he could move his head to see who his tormentor was.

"Aw Grimmjow I'm hurt you don't remember the sound of my voice," said Szayel Aporro as his face homed into view, looking down at Grimmjow with a disturbingly pleasant smile on his face.

"...oh shit," was all the Sexta Espada managed to say as he felt the cold clammy hand of fear. There was only one thing worse than being held captive by the silver haired psychopath and that was being held captive by the pink haired sociopath. Only by the narrowest of margins.

"Szayel?! When did you get back?"

"Yesterday," he answered as he put on his lab coat.

"How long have I been out?"

"Since yesterday. I was starting to worry you might not come round from the cocktail of drugs Gin gave you."

"Cocktail?"

"Yes, he wasn't sure what would knock out an Arrancar soooo he mixed together whatever he could get his hands on," the Octava Espada said matter of factly. Mentally Grimmjow started to panic about any after-effects from Gin's slapdash attempt at chemistry. And the fact he was unconscious in the same room with Gin and Luppi.

"Okay Szayel joke's over, now get me the hell off this operating... table...," he suddenly realised his predicament was far worse than he originally imagined. He struggled violently against his restraints.

"Don't fret Grimmjow, I'm not going to do anything... ah... permanent, " said Szayel, amused by his fellow Espada's futile efforts. He walked over to a control panel and flicked a switch. The Grimmjow laden table tilted until it was at a forty-five degree angle. Grimmjow could now see the rest of Szayel's lab, the sight of bubbling vats of liquid and humming machinery was not reassuring however it also meant he could now see the exit. Freedom was so close and yet so far if he couldn't get off the table.

"What're you planning on doing?"

"Oooh I'm just going to delve into that vacant space you call a mind. More accurately your memories. With lasers."

"WHAT?! Why?!"

"Because I like lasers."

"No, you pink haired freak! Why are you trying to look in my head in the first place?"

"Because we want to see if it's true about you having intercourse with a Shinigami."

"I DIDN'T HAVE SEX WITH A SHINIGAMI!!" screamed Grimmjow, pissed off with Gin, Luppi, Szayel, Gin (again) and the universe in general, "Wait a minute, you said 'we'... who's 'we'?"

"Well Gin, myself obviously, Luppi, Nnoitra, Tesla, Halibel...," he trailed off, listing everyone who showed the slightest bit of interest in Grimmjow's misfortune.

"...everybody knows?..."

"Yes."

"Fuck..." At this point when Grimmjow thought his life couldn't get any worse, Murphy's Law kicked in.

"Helloooo Grimm-kun!" Gin cried from the doorway in an overly dramatic manner. The rest of the Espada were stood behind him.

"Piss off!"

"Hello Gin-sama. Oh please don't bother knocking", Szayel said with a look of disdain on his face, "Hello everyone, don't bother wiping your feet." His voice loaded with sarcasm but nobody was paying attention. They never did.

"When did ya get back from your holiday?" Nnoitra asked, catching the Octava Espada off guard with his sudden question.

"Yesterday and it was an expedition not a holiday."

"Same difference," he replied shrugging his narrow shoulders.

"No it isn't!"

"What expedition?" interjected the twin voices of Aaroniero.

"The one I've been on for the last three months."

"Oh. Why?"

"I was exploring the forgotten depths of Las Noches with a team of Fraccion to find out where the water comes from," he sighed.

"Oh. Why?"

"Because I was sick of people saying 'Where does the water come from?' over and over again! Okay?"

"O-okay," Aaronerio cringing from the verbal assault.

"Did you?" asked Nnoitra, slightly interested.

"Regrettably, no I didn't. I lost about a dozen underlings before I decided to cut my losses and head back," he answered. The truth was the expedition _was_ going well. They followed the water pipelines underground for roughly seven weeks until they reached, what he theorized was the lowest level of Las Noches, the Boiler Room. The dark, hot and oppressive chamber was filled with ancient machinery that belched and vented steam. Szayel was ready to take notes on the curious machines, however that was when the 'Beast' made it's appearance. Szayel couldn't see the creature properly in the poor light but judging by the glimpses of it over his shoulder as he ran for dear life, it was large, possessed many legs and by the screams of the Fraccion it was chewing on, hungry. It took the Espada almost a month to reach the surface. But Szayel Aporro was not disheartened for he already had plans to return to that hellish boiler room after rounding up a large number of Adjuchas and hopefully tire the 'Beast' out by hurling wave after wave of bodies at it.

"I hate to interrupt this trip down memory lane but can we move onto the task at hand," said Gin.

"Of course Gin-sama, the generators should be at full power", Aporro replied then turned to address all the Arrancar in the lab, "Gentlemen and lady, may I present to you the finest... and only... psionic memory probe/laser in the Los Noches. The MindRaper Deluxe!" He pulled a lever on the panel and the device descended from the ceiling. A nightmarish contraption, mixture of camera lens, dentist drill and Bond villain-style deathray but only on much larger and brutal scale.

"WHAT...THE...HELL?!" Grimmjow screamed as the machine moved closer to his forehead.

"Okay Grimm-kun, last chance. Confess that you're the baby-maker _and_ we'll use the MindRaper," threatened Gin.

"And? Don't you mean _or_?!"

"No," Gin replied with a look of insane joy on his face.

"You sick sadistic son of a bitch! As soon as I get off this fuckin' table I'll cut ya into bits so small the worms won't have to fuckin' chew!"

"Is that your final answer?"

"BASTARD!!"

"I'll take that as a 'yes'. I really hate to do this..."

"Pffft. Liar," scoffed Nnoitra.

"Silence you", then turned to face Aporro with a dramatic flourish, "Szayel! Throw the switch!"

"I can't. It's attached to the control panel," he answered with a smirk.

"You know what I mean", sighed Gin then muttered under his breath, "Prick."

"Okay okay", Szayel said dismissively as he put on his blast goggles, "Everyone, you might experience a _slight_ buzzing sensation. Much like being stuck in a hive of sarcastic bees." He flicked the switch.

Everything went dark.

And slightly buzzy.

--

Shinigami/Arrancar Picture Book... GOLDEN!

"So Grimm-kun, I don't suppose you have a full sexual history of _everyone_ you've ever slept with?" asked Gin with his usual pleasant yet disturbing smile.

"As of matter of fact I do," Grimmjow said as he pulled out a screwed up piece of paper from his pocket, "On this list."

"It's a very small list," Gin pointed out as Grimmjow handed him the paper.

"Its quality that counts, not quantity you jackass." Gin unscrewed the piece of paper.

" 'Your ma' ", he read out loud, "... oh, ha bloody ha."


End file.
